Since I was first asked “What is wrong with your nose?” when I was about 10 years old I have wanted it to look better. I used to sit and dream what I would look like “normal.” Having a funny looking nose was a struggle for me through jr.high and high-school…it seemed like popularity was judged my looks and not personality. When I was 16, I had my first round of surgery on my nose---I expected it to look perfect---in one word-NORMAL. I was crushed when it looked almost the same…but a little better. The frustration grew as I began working with children and the constant questioning. There were times I wanted to hide under a paper bag or under my covers so I didn’t have to face the world. Then I went to college and met friends and people who saw past something I didn’t like and saw a funny girl with a quirky sense of humor. When in college my parents would ask me if I wanted to have surgery again and I would always say no. The Lord directed me to teach in Florida. He brought some precious people on my life---who very kindly asked me about having surgery and I was against it at the time. About seven years later after my mom and dad suggested to have surgery again and over two years later after a precious couple asked about it I have decided it is time.
I have to admit that I have had my doubts. I have to admit I wanted to change my mind and decide not to have surgery. I wonder if it’s the Lord’s will. Then I look back at last October when I went to the doctor for ringworm and how “I want to have nose surgery” came out of my mouth—without me planning it. I look at the neurologist who I went to and how he referred me to a plastic surgeon who specializes in plastic reconstructive surgery and was an ENT doctor. I look how the Lord worked out the insurance issues and the people praying who had no idea what was going on. I know that this is the Lord’s will.
I am doing my best not to have high-expectations on looking perfect or my nose being normal…it never will be. But I am excited about looking better and hopefully being able to use this as a testimony. I am hoping that this will not keep me from being embarrassed to go door to door visitation---
But as I think of outward appearance's I hope people see past my flaws and see Christ in my life---that’s my prayer—that others will see Jesus in me.
I Samuel 16:7 The LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
ReplyDeleteLove that verse- =)
ReplyDelete(I'll talk more with you; I'm just doing anon. because I don't always like this stuff popping up when my name is googled. :) )
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you so much for sharing. As the sibling of someone with a disability, I tend to sit and dream about "normal" too. I have a family that rarely goes anywhere together (well, I'm married now, but even when I am home)...my sister's moods are unpredictable and a 30-year-old bursting into screams is disconcerting for most people. I've had to put up with a lot of hurtful comments, stares, what-would-they-think-if-they-knew thoughts to myself, and more. But I think in both our cases, when facing the world, it is really hard to believe what God says while living in the world. It's hard to believe that looks, popularity, being the "cool" person, etc. don't matter, while living day-to-day in a world where most--even Christians--devote themselves to it. (How many girls moan and want to die when their hair looks bad that day or they've gained a few pounds?)
But we live life based on what is REAL to us, and Scripture tells us all these things are transient: beauty, popularity, whatever else. We need to keep in mind always that whatever we HAVE been given is only from God, and it could be gone anytime. On a practical level, when I struggle with fears about raising a disabled child if I need to myself, I have to remember to free myself from *others'* expectations and just live my life. The only applause we need is the applause of heaven. And perhaps for both of us, our trials can help us to view others with more humility and compassion--whatever they struggle with, to realize, That could have been me. By the way, I agree with the person on your FB who said that you had a beauty from within that overshadowed anything outward you don't like as much. Sounds like you've been a blessing to many people!